Crock Pot Franks and Beans

I was at an American Legion somewhere North of Columbus, Ohio when I was exposed to this dish.  The culinary carnage that ensued is worthy of a war tribunal.  By taxonomy, this is a chili con carne, or it is a stew made out of a chili dog.

This dish is minimally comprised of:

• Hot Dogs
• Beans
• Sweet Sauce

It is always prepared in a slow-cooking system, typically an electric crock-pot.  When there is glazed artwork on the outside of the crock pot, such as NASCAR insignias, you know the kitchen criminal was in a real hurry.

First: the hot dogs.  American wieners are, on commerce volume, the worst parts of any number of animals, made to a fine paste and shoved into an artificial casing.  Further, the meat is pre-cooked.  Almost every time, there is a meat tenderizer as well as some sort of sugar, such as dextrose, and plenty of salt.  when sliced or quartered, the average American hot dog will take on the appearance of a dismembered finger, or worse.  Any sausage will be greasy, so stewing this meat in a crock pot guarantees the grease will rise to the top of the container.  Look for vibrant, orange pools at the top of the dish.

Second: beans.  The Mid-West relishes their canned, sweet beans.  Hormel, Bush's, you name it.  These beans have been pre-cooked and embalmed in a heavy corn syrup.  They also contain a decent amount of salt.  These beans by themselves are grimy and saccharine, but when combined with something else, The syrup overpowers most anything.  Unless you are going through chemotherapy, you have no basis of comparison for this flavor.

Third: sweet sauce.  As if the beans are not sweet enough, pre-diabetic America seems to think sugar always improves a dish.  The sweet sauce is often a hasty afterthought, usually involving condiments such as barbecue sauce, ketchup, and steak sauces.  Sauces take a lot of work to get right, so without good instincts, starting with something really sweet means you have no control over where the flavor is going to go, because it is already pinned down in a corner.  Some of the more heinous acts to adjust the sweet sauce involve chili powder or pepper sauce.  This is a lot like dropping gunpowder into a gas tank to make a car run faster.

The syrup of the beans and the sauce add their flavor to the hot dogs.  This is apparently the intended goal of the slow cooking.  If this meat wasn't pre-cooked, braising meat with a fine flavor base is a good way to cook a tough cut of meat.  But, this is stewing in a double-sweet syrup.  Furthermore, American wieners are formed meat and then they have the tenderizers in them anyway, so slow cooking makes no sense on meat soft enough for retirement homes.  This isn't the right way to cook this meat (try grilling, as intended).  A recipe involving fresh meat and better beans is the start of a real chili. Invented in Texas, you would think this is an American natural skill.  It isn't. 

Potluck Crime:  Aiding and Diabetic, Petty Salt

Scalloped Potato Hot Dish

As a child, my mother introduced me to my father's family favorite.   I was scarred by this and other dinners in my youth.  This dish survives as an inexpensive alternative to knowing what you are doing.  Taxonomy suggests a hybrid of au gratin potatoes and pot roast.

Main ingredients:

• Potatoes
• Ham
• Cheese
• (optional) Crunchy topping

At a glance, this doesn't sound wretched.  Wait, give it some time.  American thrift and apathy has produced some convulsive mistakes in this dish.  The general idea is a starchy, braised meat dish.

First, the potatoes are often undercooked.  When they are undercooked, they have a crispness akin to an apple, but only in the center.  Although digestible to iron stomachs, undercooked potatoes are also rather slimy in this context, and even on their own, can cause child-like palates to heave and throw.  The gluten liquefies.  Essentially, it makes a paste. 

Second: Ham.   Ham is sold as an already smoked or otherwise cured meat.  It also means the meat is  store-bought, packaged, and prepared.  If so, it is likely soaking in a cocktail of preservatives.  The meat ought to already be tender by curing and further tenderized by chemical tenderizers.  Now, applying the braising process of a pot roast to slices or chunks of it should further what, make it more tender?  No.  You end up with a soup meat at this point.  And, for added effect, the soup consists of gluten, FDA-knows-what chemical tenderizers, and enough salt to make a functioning,  electric battery.

Third: Cheese.  There are so many ways a cheese can go wrong in a dish.  Try making a proper cream sauce and not knowing what is involved.  Even a decent amateur cook can be foiled by a good cheese in a recipe without a solid education on cheese in cooking.  So, why work with real cheese?  Many Americans don't.  It's too complicated.  Velveeta is known for its cheese-like foodstuff.  No surprises here, it cooks a lot like margarine.  The artificial color really helps remind you that it isn't exactly cheese, either.  still too much work?  Canned, and even aerosol cheese is an even faster alternative to ingredients.  The cheese as a top layer also creates a heat shield, preventing the potatoes from further cooking.  It melts into a surprisingly consistent, sticky layer.  When combined with the soupy, salty gluten, the cheese becomes self-sticky, but then is externally slimy. 

When combining these three core ingredients, over the years, kitchen criminals have been known to try to improve on what really is a bad idea.  The soupy quality has to be soaked up, somehow, with an optional ingredient.  Enter the crunchy topping.  Anything that toasts well has been applied.  Croutons.  Crumbled crackers or chips.  Dry onion soup mix.

The one, consistent quality of all these ingredients is salt, and lots of it, especially the artificial cheeses out there. 

If you really want scalloped potatoes, read a recipe written by someone who knows what they are doing.  Slice the potatoes coffee filter thin with a deli slicer, not the blunt carving knife that wasn't even sharp when you bought it.  Cook them properly.  If you really want ham, remember, it is probably already cooked.  There's no need to slop the trio together in a dish.  Ever. 

Potluck Crime: Aggravated Salt and Batter